


Telepaths and Snacks

by brothergrimace1



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-05
Updated: 2018-01-05
Packaged: 2019-02-28 13:05:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,627
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13272024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brothergrimace1/pseuds/brothergrimace1
Summary: Set in Roentgen's 'Legion of Lawndale Heroes (Daria/Legion of Super-Heroes) shared-world fanfic setting, we see the Legionnaires as they invite the cadets of the U.S. Government's metahuman academy over for 'the favorite breakfast of telepaths' - and hilarity ensues.





	Telepaths and Snacks

 

_ Telepaths and Snacks   _

_A Legion of Lawndale Heroes   ‘Mini’, by Brother Grimace  _

_** Legion of Lawndale Heroes   created by James Bowman ** _

_ _

 

  

 

“I’ve seen documentaries about lions _feeding_ that turned my stomach less than this.” 

Daria turned away from the sight of a large group of cadets - about fifty or so - as they ate at the cafeteria tables prepared for them. “Hyenas, too - but both were less… _eager_.” You’d think they haven’t eaten for a week, the way they dived in.” 

“You do get the feel that if you splashed some sausage gravy and pepper onto a gazelle, they’d kick the crap out of the lions and dive in on the poor thing themselves,” Jane said, eyes filled with fascination as she watched the psi-active cadets scarfing down their meals of biscuits and thick gravy filled with crumbled sausage. “This reminds me of the part in _Gremlins_  where the boy gave them chicken wings, and Gizmo looked like he was about to throw up as he watched them eat.” 

“Go with that feeling.” Julia leaned against a wall just behind them. “They took your offer of biscuits and gravy seriously. _They brought their own_ spoons.” 

“That’s some weird military thing, right?” Daria rolled her eyes as she looked back at the taller redhead. “What the hell does that mean? Why would they do that?” 

“Consider it a good thing. One thing it means is _that they’re willing to be themselves around you_  - which means that _they won’t_ paw on you.” Julia let a smile play out across her face. “They weren’t going to do that anyway - as long as you’re seeing Michael, that means you’re _off-limits._ Psi-actives don’t try to mess around with someone who’s formed an actual emotional connection.”

 “Oh, I get it.” Jane snapped her fingers as she spoke. “It’s like that religious thing where if you think about doing it, it’s not as bad _as_  actually doing it - but with them, since it’s all about what they do in their heads, messing around in someone’s head with someone who’s _involved_ is just as bad as actually slapping wet flesh!” 

Brittany (who was seated at the table closest to the entrance, and thus several feet away - she wanted to eat her lunch in peace) grimaced as she stopped eating her fruit salad, glanced at Jane as if she wanted to slap her… but sighed, turned back around, and speared another slice of strawberry. 

“Well, that tasty image ensures that I won’t eat anything for the next couple of days,” Daria spoke up, her tone sounding as if she wanted to vomit right atop Jane’s shoes. 

“Until _Michael_  shows up.” Daria’s eyes flared as Jane and Julia spoke in unison - glanced at one another, and then broke out in laughter. 

“Does everyone think that it’s funny that I’m - er - _seeing someone_ , so to speak?” 

The cafeteria suddenly went silent; Daria turned towards the tables, where the cadets were all staring at her - but suddenly turned away as one and began to eat and talk raucously once more. 

“Damn.” Jane said. “They’re really taking this chance to mend fences seriously. You can’t tell me that they didn’t have a metric boatload of comebacks ready to go for that one.” 

“I think it’s just that they love what Chef Lauriel can do with flour and a ground-up pig,” Julia told them. “After this, you should ask them to teach you some of the basics that they learn in class - the _real_  basics from Fifth Year, like _‘lullabies_ ’, ‘ _overclocking_ ’ and the difference between ‘ _whispering_ ’ and ‘ _imaging_ ’. Oh - and if anyone wants to tell you the story about the _Screaming Hand_ , tell the _Fives_  or Christine right away. That person’s being an ass.” 

“I don’t think that I need to be treated like I’m a sixth-grader-” Daria’s sharpened, near-instinctive retort was instantly silenced by the way Julia held up a finger. 

“Part of ‘mending fences’ is _not  getting pissy _when someone shows you that there’s an easier way of setting up the fence poles - right?” Julia managed to be forceful and yet understanding as she spoke. “Ever been able to run _forty miles an hour_ , even just the length of a football field or two - or put a roomful of people to sleep for just a couple of minutes, so that they think they’ve just drifted off… from across the street?” 

“I haven’t seen Daria run except for when someone wanted her to go get another bridesmaid’s dress, and a ‘little black dress’ for the reception afterwards!” Jane purred. “She just wanted to get away because someone said that the guy she met at her cousin’s wedding wanted to see her again… the guy with the perm - _Luhrman_ , right?” 

Both Daria and Julia ignored Jane’s comments as Julia finished her point. “That’s what they teach ‘ _sprouts_ ’ when they first start training - oh, and they’re _eighth-graders_ when they learn that stuff. They spend seventh grade - _Sixth Year_  - learning the basics and sniffing ‘ _flush_ ’ before they do any real training. It helps you with the big stuff - like training wheels - and anyone who mocks you about that is a jackass who doesn’t remember how they started off, _capisci?_ ” 

Daria shook her head with the barest trace of defeat. “Agreed. Hose them off before they leave, and pack some doggie bags before they go.” 

“Already covered,” Julia shot back. “The Colonel asked Chef Lauriel to let the Academy have her recipe, and she agreed. Apparently, she wants her car pimped out, ACME-style by Sherrie and her friends - so she’s giving them several of her recipes and agreed to do the catering for the _Academy Spring Ball  _at the end of the month.” 

Jane watched a line of cadets as they moved back towards the serving line for extra helpings. “Amazing how military types will do almost anything for some good food.” 

“No, it isn’t.” Tiffany Blum-Deckler (who had silently entered the cafeteria and had been listening) pushed past them with disapproval in her voice. “Excuse me. I want to get some of this before the _brain strain_  goes through it all. God knows you have to get up extra early at the Academy to keep them from eating it all like hovering rats.” 

A single voice came from one of the tables. “That’s ‘ _levitating_ ’ rats to you, Blum-Deckler!” 

“Shut up before I ask Hamilton to bite all of you in the ass!” Tiffany snapped back, no real malice in her response. “And _stop staring at_  mine! I __know__  what you’re all like!” 

“Can’t help it, Blum-Deckler!” another voice from the line piped up. “You know all pilots look for _a hard_, _flat  surface_ to land on! It's how we're trained!” 

Julia’s hand landed on Tiffany’s shoulder before she could start forward. “One - how many times have you been warned about fighting?” 

Tiffany immediately relented and relaxed. “I’m sorry, Cadet Carlyle.” 

“Two. I’m certain that the Commandant, the Colonel and ‘triple-C’ (by which she meant ‘ _Cadet Commander of Corps_ ’ - the top-ranking cadet at USAES) already mentioned that while you’re at the Academy, the _Honor Code_  applies to you as much as the _Legion Constitution_. No beating on anyone unless it’s warranted - and talking about your posterior doesn’t warrant it… does it?” 

Tiffany was silent for a frightening length of time before Julia snapped at her. _“Does it, Cadet Blum-Deckler?” _

“No, ma’am. It doesn’t.” The coiled nature of a predator ready to spring drained from Tiffany as she responded. 

“Go grab some chow. Hey, you jerks! Save some for her!” 

Daria turned from Tiffany’s departure to the indecent look of satisfaction on Julia’s face. “You enjoyed that, didn’t you?” 

Julia gave a half-shrug, but the smile on her face remained. “Now, I understand how the Colonel feels when he asks you to do something, but makes it an order for me.” 

Daria’s angelic smile lit up the room as she looked Julia directly in the eye. “I totally get that. _Go get me some biscuits and gravy.”_

Julia’s face fell. “What?” 

“You heard me. Me. _Leader_  of the Legion _ _.__ ” 

Julia’s sigh permeated every atom of her being as she answered. “Yes, ma’am.” 

Jane smiled as she and Daria watched Julia go. “You’ve been waiting a _looong_  time to play _that_  hole card, haven’t you, _amiga_?” 

The ‘ _Mona Lisa smile_ ’ that every single student of Lawndale High had grown to know and fear spread like kudzu vine across Daria’s face. “We must be true to ourselves.” 

"You’re absolutely right, D. _Go get me some, too._ "  
  
"Get your own damn food," Daria said.  
  
"Would you do it for a fellow Legionnaire?"  
  
Daria scoffed out her reply. "Not if she had _legs_ , I wouldn't."  
  
Jane unleashed her inner (not to mention, _intentionally  horrible_) dramatic side as she turned to her best friend. "Would you do it in honor of the _First Legionnaire _-__ the very first person who signed on? As a matter of respect for establishing this whole thing? As a token of respect for our charitable endeavors, and the money that we have raised, and in honor of the high ideals that we stand for? A person, who, even when denied the very elixir of life by her closest friend, nevertheless keeps fighting the good fight and - "  
  
" - _Fine_. I'll get your damned biscuits and gravy. You always pull the trump card. Jesus. I _ regret_ not being the first person to say 'yes'." 

“Yes, yes. Run along, now. Extra black pepper - and see if they have any hash browns. If not - _waffle fries_. They always make certain to have waffle fries for lunch and dinner.”

  
As she watched Daria half-walk, half-stomp her way towards the cafeteria serving lines, Jane took a seat and put her feet up on the table.  
  
_"It’s good to be the Queen."_

__

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**END**

 

 

 

26 August 2017

 

 

 

 

 

 

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